Knowing
by YaoiProfessorYuki
Summary: The words whispered into his ear made his heart clench, fore he knew his partner didn't mean them. He knew what this was. He's known from the beginning that this wasn't love.
1. He Knew

"Oh God baby, you're so good."

The words whispered into his ear made his heart clench, fore he knew his partner didn't mean them. He knew what this was. He's known from the beginning that this wasn't love. This was a mockery of it. This was lies and lust wrapped in sweetly endearing words and false smiles.

A gasp escaped his bruised lips, as his bedmate shifted and hit just right inside him, allowing a volt of pleasure to shoot through his body. His body clenching down on the manhood inside of him. His reaction causing the other to shudder and beginning to increase the speed of his thrusts, lips ghosting along his neck teasingly.

"Baby, you fit just like a glove around me."

Baby. It was always baby, never was his name whispered so lovingly. Always baby, always some imagined figure taking his place, and yet he allows this to happen time and again. He was so weak. He was so cowardly. He should have known from the start.

Another hit to his prostate forced from his thoughts, his eyes searching out those of his partners. Every time though his gaze was avoided, his partner hiding in his neck in the guise of leaving marks. And he had plenty of them to show. The possessive marks along his neck that he wished were really for him and not the one he was standing in for. Bruises on his hips and thighs from the roughness of the sex, not love making. Never did they make love. That was reserved for someone who actually mattered.

The grip on his hips grew tighter, before one hand reached down and proceeded to pump him. It seems his partner was in a somewhat caring mood, he was trying to make him come first. Maybe he would get lucky and his partner would be feeling warm enough to hold him, if only for a minute in the afterglow when they finished. His gut tightened in warning of his impending orgasm, he wanted to hold out though. He wanted to hold on for just a minute longer, if only so he could feel as if his bedmate truly wanted him.

He felt the tears beginning to gather in his eyes, they would be easily masked as sweat from their physical activity.

He came, and as he did he felt another piece of his heart break. As his partner released inside of him all he could think was, 'Why can't he love me? What's wrong with me? Don't I deserve to be loved?'

But this isn't a fairytale or some Hollywood movie, this was real life and he was so tired.

His partner flopped down next to him almost instantly falling asleep. Well look at that, he can pretend for the next hour or two that this was a relationship and not just relations. He allowed himself a moment to soak in the warmth of his partner before getting out of bed to clean them up. He always did the clean up. His partner leaving, disappearing or falling asleep before even the mention of it could be brought up.

As he wet a cloth with warm water he gazed at himself in the mirror. Saw the bite marks on his neck and outlines of fingers on his hips, the drying cum that stuck to his stomach, and the heartbroken tears that now fell from his eyes. He deserved better, but he kept going back. His bedmate was a walking drug and he was the addict. He needed to treat this like any other addiction, either he could wean himself off or go cold turkey. Neither option was particularly attractive, but wouldn't it be better than sitting in his apartment? Waiting for whenever he decided to show up and be used like he meant nothing?

Why did he have to fall in love with a man, who could never love him back?

He continued with the clean, lost in his thoughts. He eventually laid down back in the bed, facing his partner. Taking in the sight of that beautiful face that was always able to get him to surrender with a sultry smirk and a couple poison dipped words of love.

He was so tired; physically, mentally, emotionally. He was tired and he was done.

Just as predicted his partner woke up, eyes quickly focusing. An arrogant smirk covering up the thoughts of how to escape running through his head, but he knows. He learned long ago to interpret what he was thinking just by a look.

His bedmate rolled out of bed, quickly getting dressed, excuses pouring from his lips as to why he had to leave now. It was only as his partner walked to the door that his brain kicked into overdrive, heartbreak turning to sadness that swiftly became anger. He was done.

He was done being used.

Hearing his front door close, he jumped out of bed and threw on his boxers and undershirt that he had lost earlier. His new found anger causing his brain to make him act out things he'd only thought before. But he was done.

He opened the door, seeing the figure a few feet down the hall, a swagger in his step.

"Tony." He called out.

His bedmate froze suddenly, turning to look at him so quickly he would have been afraid he'd gotten whiplash. If he had any care left. Tony looked at him shocked and thrown off by the sudden turn of events. All he did though was lean against the door frame of his apartment arms crossed, hoping that he was in some way conveying the absolute totality of what was happening.

"Baby what-"

"Jimmy. My name is Jimmy, not baby or sweetheart or gremlin." Tony jolted as if anticipating a punch. He should know him better than that. They connected their eyes across the hall neither moving from their positions. Jimmy felt the adrenaline slowly leaving his body, his knees feeling as if they would buckle at any second. But he had to do this, if he didn't do it now he never would. He was breaking the cycle.

"Tony, I'm saying this once and only once." He said calmly, keeping as much emotion as he could out of his voice. Although the feeling of running and hiding began to slowly creep on him. "I deserve better than this."

"Palmer-"

"No!" he asserted himself, the strength behind it making Tony flinch again. "I deserve better than a partner who only uses me as a stand in for someone else. As a warm body to help him through a dry spell. I deserve a partner who honestly cares for me just for being me, not for what I can give him."

"Palmer, there is no one else." Tony made an aborted step towards him. "I love you."

"No you don't," he replied, his voice cracking with emotion that was coming to the surface. Tears once again gathering in his eyes and dripping down his cheeks. Tony's eyes widened in surprise at the sight of the tears, is that guilt in his eyes? Or is it just hopeful wishing? "You love who you wish I was. I got my hopes up when we started whatever this is. I thought that you saw me, that you actually loved me. But no, I'm just Jimmy Palmer. Autopsy Gremlin, who will never be enough."

"Jimmy that's not true." Tony made to walk towards him, stopping when Jimmy quickly raised his hand in signal to stop.

"Don't, if you come over here you'll tell me things you think I want to hear and I won't be able to get through this." He reached up to his face with his other hand to wipe away the tears. "This is my ultimatum Tony. Go home and think about what you want. When you're done come and see me, and know this. When we next meet, if you walk away again, it will be the last time. My heart can't take it anymore. Either choose me or choose her, but you can't be with me and have her on your mind."

Tony stood silently in the hallway, mouth agape in shock. Jimmy looked to make sure the message had sunk in, before going back into his apartment.

"Good night, Tony."

And with that he closed the door, before falling to his knees crying. Desperately clutching at his shirt just above where his broken heart painfully beat. He already knows what Tony will do. He knows his answer before he does. He's always known.

After all who would want nerdy, strange, Jimmy Palmer. When they could have someone beautiful and suave like Ziva David.

Who would want him?


	2. Now He Knows

He never came back.

After giving his ultimatum the week before Tony never came back. He should have known this would happen good things never happen to him. Hell, it wasn't even twelve hours later that he saw Tony at work; and completely ignored him in favor of flirting with Ziva. Not even a 'good morning gremlin', was tossed his way. For all appearances Jimmy might as well not even exist to Tony anymore. He had been foolish to think that he could compete with Ziva David. Stupid and misguided enough to believe that what they had, had meant something to the other man.

But as always he was wrong, because Jimmy Palmer was not worthy. He was not worthy of time, not worthy of commitment, not worthy of a love. Not even of a second thought.

Jimmy Palmer was just worthless.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

He knows.

He's known from the beginning what was going on. He's known that DiNozzo was just using the young assistant as a stand in for what he really wanted. Although he never thought DiNozzo as someone cold enough to use someone like that in such away, until he remembers the long lists of women he's bedded. He had just hoped that DiNozzo wouldn't be stupid enough to try something on a co-worker, a friend. Unfortunately, he was and Palmer being so eager to fit into a team he was already a part, jumped at the chance to be with his crush longtime crush without a second thought.

The whole thing gave him a headache. He realized he had no reason to but he felt guilt for not pulling DiNozzo in line. He felt remorse for the used broken hearted feeling Palmer was now dealing with. Irritation from other coming to him and asking what was going on, it only took them two weeks to realize something was off. Empathy for Ducky because his friend was worried about his assistant and didn't know what was wrong. This is why he has Rule 12, work relationships cause nothing but problems.

Gibbs gave an inaudible sigh of frustration. No one realized it but he was watching the situation play out in front of him. Ducky and Palmer had come up from to deliver the results of a second autopsy they performed on their current "patient". Ducky was giving their findings and Palmer stood behind him, too silent and too still. Occasionally his eyes would flicker in DiNozzo's direction, but said man was doing all he could to avoid the boy while standing in the same room.

This was not going to continue on, team dynamics are on the verge of flying out the window if things continue as is. He was going to have to have a serious talk with DiNozzo, and possibly Palmer, in order to fix this mess.

He was listening to his team give their own reports, his mind on over drive with mental multitasking, when he noticed something. No one else seemed to notice but with his vantage point of being the center of everyone's attention he was able to. It seems he may have a way to fix this after all, although it involved breaking his own rules to do it.

He stood grabbing his jacket, his team quickly jumping into action to follow him. DiNozzo had another few hours of safety before they had their "conversation". First he needed to have a conversation of a different sort.

"Torres you're with me."

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It had been an emotionally and mentally tiring day at work. All Jimmy wanted to do was go to bed, but he couldn't seem to find the energy to even make the short walk from his couch to the bedroom. Not that Pudge would let him, his fingers lazily scratching the cat's ears. Pudge being the eighteen pound cat he found in his complex's garbage, granted at the time he was a kitten and could be held in one hand.

Tony and Pudge never got along, he should have taken that for the sign it was. Whenever Tony visited he always had to put Pudge away in his crate or he would attack Tony. The first time he did it put a damper on the beginning of the evening, but things got back on track afterwards. Still one of the funniest sights he'd ever seen before; smooth and charming _Very_ Special Agent DiNozzo taken down by a cat.

And now he's made himself sad again. Why can't he just get over him?

So he was used, he wouldn't be the first person it happened to. Nor would he be the first person Tony had done it too. The point however was, that it was Tony and it had been him that got used. He thought he had meant more to the man than just a play thing, he thought they were friends at the very least. But friends wouldn't use friends like this, would they?

All the stress and emotional turmoil was giving him a headache again, it had started affecting his work. He'd seen the worried glances from Dr. Mallard, a man whose opinion he held in high regards; not only as a mentor but as a father figure. He really needed to stop this, the last thing he wants is for Dr. Mallard to worry and have it affect his own work.

Maybe he should just go to bed, take a couple aspirin in order to ward off the impending migraine that was developing. But that would require food; aspirin does have the side effect of causing stomach bleeds if taken without food. He really just wanted to go to bed, but he didn't want to eat. Why is life so hard? A manual to living would make everything easier to deal with. Chapter fifty-six, how to deal with being used for sexual gratification by someone you thought was a friend who loved you back. First sentence, don't do it.

Just as he was about to get up and choose between bed or migraine, someone knocked on his door. Looking at his clock, he saw that it read nearly midnight. Strange, he never gets any visitors this late, even when Tony would stop by. Heaving a great sigh, he lifted the large cat off his stomach and placed him on the couch. Pudge letting out a lazy yowl at being moved before instantly drifting off again. Behold the great protector of the apartment in all his glory! He must be losing his mind.

Slowly and nervously Jimmy went to his front door, opening it without even looking out the peephole first. Upon seeing his late night guest he couldn't help the baffled look that over took his face.

"Agent Torres?"

"Hey, Jimmy." The man replied a nervous smile overtaking his features. "What are you up to?"

"Um, going to bed?" he couldn't help phrasing it like a question, the whole situation throwing him off.

"So, early?"

"It's nearly midnight." Something was going on but his brain just couldn't seem to process it.

"What?!" Torres quickly looked at his watch in a panic. "Oh, sorry bro."

"It's fine." Jimmy looked the man over. He was the newest to Gibbs team, holding a mysterious flair to him even though he was an open book to just about everyone; or at least made everyone think he was. He was very likable with his laid back way of doing things, although it earned him more than a few head slaps from Gibbs. He was quickly catching up to Tony in number of head slaps earned. He always had an easy going smile on his face, and his eyes made everyone who looked at them melt from the warmth they held.

Jimmy could admit to himself at the very least, that he was attracted to the agent. It seemed his type was suave, charismatic, ladies men; which didn't bode well for him concerning recent events. Realizing that they were just awkwardly staring at each other, Jimmy gave himself a mental shake. "W-would you like to come in?"

"That would be great, thanks."

Stepping to the side he allowed the agent entrance, taking a calming breath as he closed the door. Hearing soft curse he turned to find Torres having a stare down with Pudge. The agent gawking in awe, while the cat gazed upon the intruder to his domain in judgment. If he were to be completely honest, Jimmy would say he was expecting the feline to attack at any second.

"That is a big cat." The Latin man said, taking a hesitant step forward and slowly lifting his hand to the cat.

"This is Pudge, I wouldn't to-" Jimmy cut himself off when he saw his beloved feline companion give the agent's hand a sniff before butting his head into the man's palm. Jimmy stood to the side in chock as the agent went on to happily pet the content feline.

"Dude, this is the coolest cat I've ever seen!" The agent continued petting the cat in excitement before starting to actually talk to him.

"T-thank you." Jimmy couldn't but smile in pride at the worship another person was bestowing onto his furry friend. "I rescued him out of the dumpster, at the time I could hold him in one hand."

Nick ooh'd and awed over the details of the cat, not letting up on his petting and showering the cat in compliments; not that Pudge was complaining. Jimmy on the other hand, while proud to show off his companion, was nervously awaiting the reason behind the agent's late night visit.

"Nick, w-why are you here?"

The agents enthusiastic petting came to a halt and the praises were replaced by him nervously chewing on his lip. A deep and thoughtful look came to his eye, as if heavily weighing something. Pudge, annoyed with the sudden cease in attention, leaped from the couch and headed to the bedroom, most likely to curl up on Jimmy's bed. The agent took the cat's place on the couch, still in deep thought; occasionally sending glances Jimmy's way. Jimmy slowly and cautiously took a seat next to the man.

"I don't know how to do this." The man finally said.

"Do w-what?"

"This." He quickly gestured to the two of them. It seemed that was all it took before a waterfall of words came pouring out of the agent's mouth. "Normally I let my actions do all the talking, but I can't do that now because that might get misconstrued as something else. And I don't want that."

"N-nick? "

"However, I don't know how to say this and I really don't want to fuck it up. Because let's face it I'm smooth as hell and have the moves, but I would find some way to mess this up. And once again would like to avoid that because this is important."

"W-wha-"

"But once again I can't go the show route for previously stated reasons. I want to show you that I'm absolutely serious about this, and want no doubt in your mind that I'm being truthful."

"Truthful about what?"

"That I'm in love with you!"

Nick's eyes widened and his mouth snapped shut at realizing what he just said. Jimmy himself was shocked at the admission, his brain going a million miles a minute while his body was frozen in place. He had already admitted to being physically attracted to the other man, his chocolate eyes capable of making anyone drown in them. While he was shorter than Jimmy by a couple inches, he was broader and would be able to easily pick up and haul the slighter male around, without breaking a sweat. The thought of being man handled in such away nearly making Jimmy's thoughts trail off into dangerous territory.

However, he had never fully thought of a potential romantic relationship between them. He had joined the team during the beginning steps of his and Tony's, whatever it was. His soul focus being on the developing relationship between him and the Italian descended man. Taking the time to examine Torres' behavior though did prove that there was a modicum of possibility between them. He always listened to Jimmy ramble before making his own comments, and asked Jimmy for clarifications when he didn't understand something instead of waiting for Dr. Mallard to arrive to ask for clarification. Jimmy didn't like to admit that he felt undermined and made to feel as if he didn't know what he was talking about. Nick always inquired as to his outside of work activities, taking genuine interest.

While he could be sarcastic and bull headed, he was also kind hearted. As evident when he let the charity keep the money he mistakenly donated, Tony himself had only donated righty dollars. The Latino male was loyal to a fault, he maybe a ladies' man but he was loyal to his partners. You could always rely on him to come through where it mattered most. All traits Jimmy found desirable in a partner. The only problem was himself.

During his thoughts on the matter he couldn't help but continue to compare the other male to Tony. That in itself was unfair to the man confessing before him. He couldn't jump into another relationship with his current mind set; it would be unfair to Nick and would inevitably go down in flames.

Nick had apparently taken his silence the wrong way and was spilling out apologies and excuses. Shaking the remaining thoughts from his head Jimmy turned his complete focus onto the agent sitting next to him.

"Nick." At the tender whisper of his name the agent suddenly cut himself, awaiting the M.E. assistant's judgment. "It's beyond flattering that you feel that way about me. And I would have been more than happy to start something with you but-"

"But you don't feel the same." Nick cut in, a look of hopelessness and dejection entering his too expressive eyes.

"But," Jimmy continued undeterred by the interruption. "It would be unfair to you and irresponsible of me to say yes now."

Nick's head jerked up in astonishment at the 'not a yes but not a no' answer he was being given. Jimmy rubbed at his eyes to ward off the pending emotions threatening to take over and ruin the moment completely. He needed this, needed Nick to fully understand. He began explaining the relationship he had with Tony. How it was kept a secret, how he witnessed Tony flirting on a daily basis, how he left when they finished every night, and the one time he called out someone else's name while they were having intercourse. It took everything Jimmy had to not break down, but he made it through. During the course of his story Nick's face went through a slideshow of different emotions until it finally settled on anger.

"I'm gonna kill him." Was Nick's instant response before leaping up to go find DiNozzo. Jimmy quickly grabbing his arm to halt him in place before pulling him back down beside him.

"Don't Nick."

"But he hurt you," The Latino insisted, his fists clenched in a show of his overwhelming anger. He couldn't comprehend how anyone could treat Jimmy that way. Sweet, nerdy, and easily flustered Jimmy, who just wanted to be helpful in whatever way he could.

"And I allowed him to get away with it for a long time." Was Jimmy's sad reply "But please tell me you can see why I'm saying not right now. I refuse to treat you as a rebound or a replacement Tony, I have more respect and care for you than that."

That seemed to allow Nick to cool down and bring his attention back to the situation at hand, the discussion of a possible real relationship between them.

"I understand." He softly muttered, his hand reaching over to squeeze Jimmy's in comfort. Their eyes meeting to convey that they had reached an understanding that nothing would happen tonight.

"I'm not saying never," Jimmy assured once again "just not now. Not until I'm mentally and emotionally ready."

Taking Jimmy by surprise Nick leaned over and kissed him on the check before pulling back, repeating once again with more assertion. "I understand."

Jimmy's face had taken on a delicate flush at the sudden kiss, his hand reaching up to touch the spot where it had landed. He could almost feel the beginnings of butterflies in his stomach, his heart feeling as if it had sped up just the slightest.

"If you want we can start with baby steps? But only if your okay with that!" Nick rushed in attempt to clarify his intentions.

"Baby steps?"

"Yeah like maybe take the time to occasionally get a drink or hang out somewhere." Nick's entire being seemed to be filled with a sudden determination. "I want you to get to know me as a friend during this time, so that I can prove my honest intentions. So that when you're ready to move on, you'll know I truly will do my best to never hurt you. I won't promise to never do so, because let's face it people argue and fight, but I want to at least prove to you that I'm going to dedicate my all to whatever forms between us."

Jimmy smiled at the honest and open speech he had just been given, his eyes feeling the slightest bit watery. Jimmy, deciding to give Nick one token of his thanks for his understanding and patience, reciprocated Nick's earlier kiss and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. Pulling away he couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him at the shell shocked look on the normally charismatic agent's face.

Maybe he could learn to heal after all.

Maybe he'll finally know what it's like to be truly loved by another.

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It's been eight months since Jimmy confronted him in the hallway. He never expected the younger male to put his foot down and make Tony decide what he wanted. His decision was sadly easy. He had a flame for Ziva for so long that he wasn't willing to give it up. He had known of Jimmy's crush from the moment they met and he feels guilty admitting that he had used the other man as a way of releasing his frustrations of not being with Ziva. He definitely missed the younger man's supportive friendship and the way he helped Tony work through his frustrations after a particularly difficult case. It wasn't all physical most would be surprised to find out, they did talk but after the main act was finished Tony was eager to get home. He couldn't look into those hopeful puppy eyes without feeling guilty about what he was doing.

He knew he was scum; he didn't need to be told twice about it. Gibbs was more than happy to tell him what a colossal dumb ass he was messing around with not just a co-worker in such a way, but a close friend. It may be the closest Gibbs ever came to full on knocking his lights out.

He already could help internally wincing every time Jimmy turned away from him without a word now. How he would feel a chill run through his veins whenever Jimmy's eyes would become sad and distant during those first few weeks after they broke up. He had seemed to improve over time though. He still refused to speak to Tony unless absolutely necessary, but at least he was acting like himself around the others again.

He watched as Torres started gathering his things up, leaning over to make a quick check of his appearance in the compact mirror Bishop left on her desk. Receiving a playful swat from said woman. Speaking of acting himself, Torres had been acting differently towards him. He thought they had been getting along, but a couple months ago he had started to be more confrontational in their interactions. For the life of him he couldn't figure out what his deal was.

"Hot date tonight, mate?" he heard Reeves ask the Latino, the man shooting an amused look his friend's way.

"Most definitely, we started going out last month."

"A whole month? Wow that's new for you." The British man teased his friend.

"Ha ha." Was Torres' sarcastic reply. "I'll have you know we've been seeing each other for months now but we decided to make it official only recently."

Bishop let out mock gasp of surprise, her hands coming up to her face to help support the shocked look. "You? In a committed relationship? I never would have thought!"

"I'll have you know I am capable of being a very committed partner!"

"We definitely have to meet the woman capable of holding your attention for so long." She said devious look entering her eyes. "Maybe let slip a couple embarrassing work stories."

"First of all they already know every embarrassing moment I've had at work." He said raising his hand to count off the points he was making. "Second off she is actually a, he. Third you already know him. And lastly he should be here any second now."

Silence fell over the bullpen as everyone on Team Gibbs, with the exception of the man himself, turned to look at the Latin agent in shock. Nick Torres, ladies' man extraordinaire, ranked second only to Tony himself, was dating a man. And seemed to be in a long-term committed relationship with said man, who seemed to also work at NCIS if Torres' description is anything to go by. Tony's brain went into over drive trying to figure out who it was the agent was seeing, quickly compiling a list of the personnel he knew that worked at NCIS, and then narrowing it down to the men who worked close enough with their team who would be in the know about what goes on with them.

The list was nearly non-existent at this point, but he was so deep in thought trying to figure the mystery out he nearly missed the sound of the elevator dining its arrival. Turning everyone stared intently as the doors slid open to possibly reveal Torres' date. Possibly already graduating to boyfriend levels?

To everyone's shock, mostly Tony's, Jimmy Palmer stepped out of the elevator. Dressed in a long sleeve light blue button up, the top two buttons unbuttoned to reveal teasing glimpses of collarbone. Well fitted black slacks that clung nicely to his hips and legs, matched by a fitted black suit vest that showed off his slim figure. The jacket of said suit draped over his arms. Upon spotting Torres a bright smile lit up his face and he quickly made his way over to the man.

"You ready?" he asked, attempting to ignore the shocked looks the team was sending him, his face flushing adorably.

"Yeah babe, I'm ready. Let's head out." He slung an arm around Jimmy's waist as they began heading to the elevator. He gave a lazy wave behind him, "Don't have too much fun without us."

Just as they stepped up to the elevator, Gibbs stood up and the whole room watched in nervous anticipation.

"Torres." Was all he said conveying a whole speech in a single word, a single look. And what did Torres do?

"I know Boss," He smiled at the Boss, his hand gently squeezing Jimmy's hip. "Believe me Boss, I know."

Gibbs continued to give him a look as if searching for something before giving a slight nod in acceptance.

"Have fun." Was all he said before turning back to his work.

The couple grinned before boarding the elevator. Nick saying something to Jimmy to make him laugh, before sending him a look full of such love and devotion that it made Tony's stomach clench in dread. He watched as the two men shared a sweet and tender kiss as the doors to the elevator closed, and it felt like a bucket of cold water had just been dumped on him. He was about to leap up to follow after the pair when he was stopped.

"DiNozzo." Looking over at his boss and father figure, he couldn't help but wince at the look he was being given.

It told of Gibbs' disappointment in him of how he treated Jimmy. The building anger at how Tony was going to attempt to run after him. And lastly, the look of judgment that told him he had, had his chance and he royally fucked it up. It told Tony that if he attempted to go after the younger man again, Gibbs would personally kick his ass. If he looked hard enough he could swear he saw a smidge of pity for him in those steel blue eyes, at the lost opportunity he had.

Tony sank heavily in his seat.

Jimmy knew what real love was now.

And now Tony knows just what he lost.


End file.
